Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
