the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
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