Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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