You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Congratulations! We have a period
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
