not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
