I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Randomize
