I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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