if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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