i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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