ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
