Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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