that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
You smell like stripper and shame
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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