Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
