I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
