My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
i barfeds in our rink
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
