It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
