either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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