my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
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