So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
