Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
