Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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