he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
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