My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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