With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
