No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
