You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
