I didn't shave. On purpose
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
