Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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