You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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