you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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