the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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