I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
