i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Randomize
