my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
