i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
