alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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