i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
