I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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