your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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