If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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