i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
The best revenge is premature balding
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Randomize
