fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
