I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
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