dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
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My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
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I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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