Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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