@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
