I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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