Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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