sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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