I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
