There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
you had me at cake vodka
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
