You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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