his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
