sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Randomize