I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
