Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
i think i have herpe
just one?
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
