I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
You ruined the universe
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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