the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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